JOKE OF THE DAY: The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. “Johnny, do you have a story to share?” “Yes, ma’am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in the war with Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, ’til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?” “Stay the heck away from Aunt Carol when she’s been drinking.”
JOKE OF THE DAY: A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. “Where’s Henry?” “Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail.” “You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!” “A tough call,” nodded the hunter, “but I figured no one is going to steal Henry.”
JOKE OF THE DAY: Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, “Was I going up the stairs or down?” The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” She knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
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What is the secret to getting a solid 7 to 8 hours of sleep? Head for the kitchen and enjoy one or two of these 10 foods. They relax tense muscles, quiet buzzing minds, and/or get calming, sleep-inducing hormones - serotonin and melatonin - flowing. Yawning yet? Here are some foods that are good bedtime foods (from Yahoo Food):
Bananas. They’re practically a sleeping pill in a peel. In addition to a bit of soothing melatonin and serotonin, bananas contain magnesium, a muscle relaxant.
Chamomile tea. The reason chamomile is such a staple of bedtime tea blends is its mild sedating effect.
Warm milk. It’s not a myth. Milk has some tryptophan - an amino acid that has a sedative - like effect - and calcium, which helps the brain use tryptophan.
Honey. Drizzle a little in your warm milk or herb tea. Lots of sugar is stimulating, but a little glucose tells your brain to turn off orexin, a recently discovered neurotransmitter that’s linked to alertness.
Potatoes. A small baked spud won’t overwhelm your GI tract, and it clears away acids that can interfere with yawn-inducing tryptophan.
Oatmeal. Oats are a rich source of sleep - inviting melatonin, and a small bowl of warm cereal with a splash of maple syrup is cozy - plus if you’ve got the munchies, it’s filling too.
Almonds. A handful of these heart-healthy nuts can be snooze-inducing, as they contain both tryptophan and a nice dose of muscle-relaxing magnesium.
Flaxseeds. When life goes awry and feeling down is keeping you up, try sprinkling 2 tablespoons of these healthy little seeds on your bedtime oatmeal.
Whole-wheat bread. A slice of toast with your tea and honey will release insulin, which helps tryptophan get to your brain, where it’s converted to serotonin and quietly murmurs “time to sleep.”
Turkey. It’s the most famous source of tryptophan, credited with all those Thanksgiving naps. But that’s actually modern folklore. Tryptophan works when your stomach’s basically empty, not overstuffed, and when there are some carbs around, not tons of protein.
Joke Of The Day: A businessman enters a bar, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, and then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring you martinis all night long, but you’ve got to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.” The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it’s time to go home.”
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What’s your holiday travel horror story? Here are some tips as to what you can do when holiday travel goes wrong. Suggestions from Ben Mutzabaugh, USA Today:
Know your options - The more you know, the more you can help yourself. If your flight is canceled, check the departure board for other options to your destination. Better still, write them down or e-mail them to yourself before leaving. Keep contact information for other airlines close at hand.
Be nice - If your flight gets canceled or you miss your connection, the only people that can help get you out of the airport work for the airline. So no matter how frazzled your nerves, smile and be pleasant. Even if you’re sure the airline is at fault, a smile is more likely to fix your problem than snarky comments and a raised voice.
Be proactive - If you’re having a hard time resolving a problem, take a proactive approach and (politely) suggest a solution. If your flight’s canceled and there are no other nonstops, ask if a connecting flight would work. Or, ask if the agents if they might be able to accommodate you on partner airline – or even a competitor, if things are tight.
JOKE OF THE DAY: Three members of a golf club were arguing loudly while the fourth member of their group lay motionless in a bunker. A club official was called to calm the row, “What’s the trouble here?” he asked. “My partner has had a stroke, and these two want to add it to my score.”
JOKE OF THE DAY: Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died. He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.” He opened the note, and read, “Hey, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”
JOKE OF THE DAY: Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How’s the singing career going?” Stevie Wonder replies, “Not too bad… How’s the golf?” Woods replies,” Not too bad, I’ve had some minor problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now.” Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.” Tiger says, “You play golf?” Stevie says, “Oh yes, I’ve been playing for years.” Tiger says, “But you’re blind. How can you play golf if you can’t see?” Stevie replies, “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.” “But, how do you putt?” asks Tiger. “Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.” Tiger asks, “What’s your handicap?” Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.” Woods excitedly says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.” Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole”. Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m game for that, when would you like to play?” Stevie says, “Pick a night.”
JOKE OF THE DAY: A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins–if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
